Sunday, February 27, 2005

miseducation,emancipation and all that...

tis a new beginning...again...(wats with Blog sites closing down man?? if u dont save ure ish ure sure the world is a better place cause i saved my ish! hehe)So here is stuff I wrote some time ago and recently...I think I like the graphics on this site better than the one i used to use...So heres my ramblings, tempered and censored this time....last time my stupid self put sumin really REAL in one of these i got majorly screwed so heres my skin and a few layers of epidermal...

earthdate 26-02-05: Ive been listening to the U2 song 'stuck in a moment'...'i was unconcious, half-asleep,the water was warm till you discover how deep' .What Im going to write today isn't profound or anything...but its things ive been thinking of..The song and its lyrics are making too much sense in my life right now. I have things to do, school to do, people to friend, places to try be..but im stuck in a moment and keep thinking about what i think may be a broken heart. But, like ive written before I do not know what being in love is..I dont know if i felt it...but i do know that this sadness is real..and whenever I try to equate it to something else it comes back to this. But, then I think back and this song is applicable to much of my life...I am slacking, slipping, dragging at the rear..I have let too many things in my life get me stuck...And even though I think i have gotten past them..all I do is numb them..try forgot them and move on..Or so I think.I dont think I have moved on.They are plaguing me, holding me back..And while people move on Im stuck here at the starting line. Yesterday Simon told me that he thinks that I now talk like a grown-up and hes happy for that, that I sound like Ive become a woman. So then I thought, yeh i guess i am older and feel perceptions of certain things have aged...not that Im some boring old(not that old people are boring..hehe) person now but I know that I am different from me here in first year as I near my graduation.But I think about my future and sometimes i think I knew better what I was going to do when I was thirteen than I do now. I feel like everyone else has a plan...Anton(first name basis..such things) asked me what are you doing when you leave..and I came with the Peru thing..It is what I want to do..but i know that all it is is a procrastination of real life..But what is real life?? Isn't this real? And because I fucked up and have a very mediocre degree what does it mean? Is this my life sentence..mediocrity! I cant accept it! I do not want mediocrity...and I know most people dont..but the ones who transcend the mediocrity usually have worked their asses off and not settled for mediocrity ever.Im here writing this when I could be working hard on my essay early on...getting myself the best possible grade..But im not and dont feel like I want I will probably just get a grade..I'll pass..I usually do ..but how much?...probably just the best I could do in a rush...Where is my will power?? (and what of that grading system..thats for a different blog) Hence we come to being stuck in a moment...I think something is holding me back...I dont know how to transcend it..and I think the cure to the threat of medium can only be reached if im willing to start running...Enter another U2 song that I saw on a documentary being sang by AIDS patients in Uganda- 'still havent found what Im looking for'..There they stood, one woman who was so weak she had just come to sing for Bono that day..singing 'I have climbed the highest mountain, scaled these city walls but I still havent found what Im looking for..' Their story is different, one of the greatest courage and i cannot equate mine to that kind of struggle.But to just looking at the song -What have I climbed? How far have i veered from my safety net? I walk small in a big world...stopping and turning back at each door because im not willing to reach up and grab at the door knob and get out! It frustrates me..I realised some time back that shyness is possibly one of the most over-rated, worst traits a person can imprisons you..You are inside the glass box trying to scream out to everyone else but you're still afraid they might hear you. I still havent found what Im looking for...I still havent started looking and Im having problems with it. Writing about the Congo in GQ (damn good mag btw - not only for the tasty male perfume ads but the articles are very ngutt) Jim Lewis wrote 'the devil catches the hindmost' and this hit me so hard...what am I doing back here? losing the race... this was the poem i attempted ..

They say 'the devil take the hindmost'
And this fuels my fear,
I have not run with favour,
I have stayed in this place,
I have lagged at the rear,
Withering in the cage I built here...
These doubts they hold me back,
They suffocate my will,
They suffocate my power,
They are maggots brewing..
Because the water is still.

I feel an invisible barrier,
One that I have built,
It contains this pain, this guilt,
It diminishes my grace,
Stales my faith,
But to be without it...
Forced to show whats within?
Still,I would wish for an invisible skin.

'The devil take the hindmost,'
I pray this dragging fever subsides,
And takes with it this senselessness,
Takes with it this fear,
That pierces me deaf,
That screams me dumb,
That glares me blind,
That threatens to keep me behind.

I pray this dragging fever subsides...I pray..I pray.....BIRTHEEDAZEE in the near future: Feb 25,26,27,28??- Muindi and Simu!;March5:Adarsh!;March28 -Nihar!;March 31-JADUS!!

---Today I spoke to this guy that I see on the street sometimes, dont know if hes a bum but he walks around collecting newspapers,cans,bottles..etc from the neighbourhood.I presume its so that he can go sell it and get himself a little money..innovative...more lucrative than an active career in hand extension and requests for 'help madam'. So he asked me about today and what I was doing,'fine..etc', then he asked me 'so you're still going to school ey?' I said 'yeh'..he said 'good luck with that' and left. I thought that was nice of him and then I thought about it again..hmm?I have been listening to The college Dropout, went to watch Kanye even and was in cote's class last year.Im beginning to become highly skeptical of this higher educationism thats going on. I am embarassed to think that I went to Cote last semester and asked him why everything in his course had to be about work and university.It wasnt till I failed 300 that I started thinking..what is this really about? I know I can do sociology, I can do it, pardon my Frencheez, fucking well. Yet because of this 300 that Ive failed, that is not necessarily relevant to my life I may not get an honours degree or the job I want. Becuase I wont have the credential Ill be stuck somewhere I dont want to be. Its my fault- I pass no bucks-I did not pass becuase i didnt do my work when i was meant to ..but i still feel like why should it be that easy to explain..I think Im confused, this trail of thought is likely contradictory and self-answering but what is it that bugs me..Something is askew, and Cote put a finger on it when he said that we need time as youth to relax after high school and know what we want..maybe work..But how would that have worked for me?I may have ended up at a dead end..Yet I come all the way to Canada, I get my education, without an honours and I might end up at that same dead end.Im confused, and procrastinating..I dont finish my work tonight I may be just spending another year Mr Davenport more golfing allowance.I leave this thot with these lyrics from All Falls Down
'She has no idea what she's doing in college.That major that she majored in don't make no money.But she won't drop out, her parents will look at her funny. Now, tell me that ain't insecurrre. The concept of school seems so securrre.Sophmore three yearrrs aint picked a careerrr.She like fuck it, I'll just stay down herre and do hair.Cause that's enough money to buy her a few pairs of new Airs'-kAnYe WeSt birthdaze-jadus-31 March!!ye yeeiiii!!Nihar -27th March*Pape!-April 8th..livin' it!! --last time I had this crap to say,which incidentally may have me just overthinking everything..'the only sure thing is change', my mind definitely follows that formula--$$$%%%***%%%$$$

So..I now find myself in a frustrating and wrenching.It can all be avoided if i just get over stuff or someone or watever but its so hard to do that!I did things yesterday that made me realise that perhaps i have no self -respect- not as much as i thought, at least.How can I just do these things..yes alcohol was involved..but really?I step down from my self-placed pedistole willingly and know that I just have to try earn it back from my friends.I hate it, why should i have to prove anything to anyone? I feel can people judge, who gies them the right? I do. As my friends theyve earned judging rights on me..but i wish I thought that we were close enough for tem to express those views,cus thats when it gets sorted.I made a mistake and Im God, me, my friends,the world- maybe im blowing it out of proprtion but I think I have to.If Im goin to live, may as well live it passionately, learning from my past mistakes,improving,crying tillmy head sed'I want to kiss everybody!'..i feel like that..wish i knew if they wanted to kiss back.But thats the spice init? trying to figure it out..its frustrating..yes specially for a fsckin over-fskin-thinker like me, but its being done. ***bdays- Jadus:March 31st!luv ya!; nihar-27th march;Pape: april 6th(i think)....**Ill find joy in my destruction!** last time, nice time

-- &&%%*****%%%****;&%%%&&& --once known as emancipation, miseducation and all that..that webpage veered towards 'all that' abit too much..And with the dire consequences that came from that,I figure this should focus on the 'emancipation' and 'miseducation'. It is time for The Movement...NOW.