Thursday, August 18, 2005

deciding to live

one of my favourite photographs ..they look like theyre living..i love it!

If life goes W.H.O-accordingly, I only have approx fifty more years left! I have so much I
want to do and the worst thing is that in these 22 years I feel like I have done so
little, havent got the ball rolling! So I need to 'get up, get out and do something'..!
Yesterday I finished "Veronika decides to die" -Paulo Coelho...thank you and
much blessings to Kishawi for the recommendation....Ive been crying
non-stop (yes,me= basket case)since I finished it and I just keep thinking of the
premise,(Im not spoiling it if u havent read it) of that if I had to die tommorow would
i be fine with it..would I be ok with what I have done..and whenever I do I start
crying..I dont think I am...I havent used talents God blessed me with to their fullest
potential, I havent spoken to people who I wanted to speak to, I havent fought back
for anything I believe. In my 22 years I have never hit anybody in anger, not even a
syblling..and oh it may sound kinda honourable did to me at some point..But I
realise that I have never let myself get so convicted in something that I believe
enough to defend it and unleash that slap that says 'this is me,this is what I
believe and you are annoying me!' even if afterwards I was going to regret it..I
always back down..'keep the peace' I always say..well F#*K!
Im tired of getting
angry,frustrated,sad and the only people who know it are an anonymous audience
of blog readers(to whom i am greatful for their interest- love ya)!Thats maybe one the worst parts, none of my friends know this is
happening to me, I keep the smile, the jokes..keep it business as usual. In the
book,there is a part about being a cistern that contains all emotions or a fountain
overflowing,...Im sooo a cistern and Im tired of it..its exhausting...Im tired of this
mediocrity...this not wanting to be a nuisance. But to use a 'loose psychology',I
fear I am a springback...I am afraid that I am realising this now but I dont know
what to do and will inevitably fall back into the safety of the mundane. I have
before, ref: emancipation,miseducation and all that blog, very little has changed since and here I am again having an 'epiphany'.

Ive also been listening to the song "525600 minutes" on repeat for the last hour
and its the same thing "how do you measure a last year on earth?", what if this
was the last year, how would I measure it, how would I have loved, lived, laughed,
cried? I always imagine how my life should be, I see myself in a different place but
I never get there, I feel like Im "stuck in reverse"(Coldplay-Fix You-amazing song!). I have aspirations for art, music, theatre...and Im currently applying for the safest
human resources job I can find...why? same old story,a painting,an act or a song
doesnt pay the bills! But you know if im now realising anything its that I have to
follow these dreams somehow, otherwise Ill shrivel up and die inside.I move towns
next week, and this epiphany may have come at the right point in transition,"The
Alchemist" spoke of the world working for your success if you realise your destiny
and choose to pursue it..

from the movie Trainspotting I heard this some years ago:

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of f*cking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the f*ck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f*cking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pushing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f*cked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future.
Choose life.
_John Hodge_

i dont know how Im going to do this, what i will choose, but i hope writing this down is my first we go...