Tuesday, February 17, 2004


earthdate -02-07-04- this was written before the next post, but i just re-found it..cus im thinking about this again..what is loVe? i now know what luSt is..but do i really know what love is..its almost since i originally wrote the follwing, but i still feel the same..and im insecure about recent happenings...insecurity has to be one of the worst emotions..it stops you from living..and i fear its hold..to be chessy,as usual, will it be my 'Ring'?(damn good movies by the way..wish id read the books someday!)..hmm..anyway...hereforth is what I wrote on earthdate: 16th February 2004 ..after Soul on V-day..-->Valentines has recently visited upon us...it is to me the grim reaper of my happiness every february..from that day till about the 25th, I stress, I depress, I contemplate..and feel sad about having less - I mean none...less rhymes better(luna-hopeful, struggling, unsucessful rapper).This time the thoughts of having none went in a different realm and into a sadness that made me feel like crying for too long.What is love? I dont really know..I dont think..this phrase-popular when I was in middle school... To love someone is nothing, To be loved by someone is something, But to be loved by the one you love...is everything. hmmm....I prefer to change the last word of the first line to something as well - partly because of the previously mentioned rapper dilemna and because I do believe that it is something, it sometimes takes alot.maybe too much to love somebody so it cant be nothing.But the rest...it tickles my brain... I have love from frieds and family so I have that 'something' ..But I have never had anyone of the significant other who didnt change my diaper or swap clothes with..not to my knowledge at least. So basically i dont think I know what 'everything' is...so all these crushes I have , do I know what Im feeling...does this explain why they change so often? I dont really know what it feels like..Im 21 and I dont know what being in love really is. I read something today that I thought may be kind of applicable 'my heart is like a closed freezer(or something like that) ..noone comes, noone goes..those Ive loved , Ive loved for years' -K...That hit that heartspot..what I had cried about last night..made some sense..Ive created walls...and dont let anyone out or in...both things that cause alot of pain..the pain of not being to let go and the pain of not letting anyone in-and Ive started to associate this pain with it and ironically- like it..almost like that is my definition. Thats another thing this person wrote...if pain is love and Ive accepted it as that then what happens when I really fall in love and the pain goes away..will I have lost love...(ref.K)..I guess the definition will change by itself ..in its way..I still dont know, so how will i know its real? yet the biggest issue still remains ..will it ever happen..how old am I? can it still happen? am I still applicable? And will that person still believe in what they felt was love? Will I be the only floating in that loving ocean?(to sound like a bad song)..And in that sense: to love someone is nothing - cause the feelings wont be mutual? Love actually - excellent movie..best thing i can relate to is the guy at the end with his manager..And is that all Ill have? and is that the most important anyway? Is all the Hugh Grantness(in this and previous movies) just overrated? is a tryst with a prostitute on a Beverly Hill strip the more sobering reality that I should be acknowledging? I guess I wont know the answer until it happens and then to continue the vicious circle this blog is goin in..will I know what Im feeling? ..'to be loved by the one you love is everything'... - definition of everything please? ......// more musing added on current earthdate 02-07-04 birthdaze to throw down 4: july 10th-namas is all i can think of right now...i hope to return here positively..my own quotation:'insecurity is the cowards security' *nZi*